Romance in Marriage
Article from saving-a-marriage.com
Romance in Marriage
In marriage, it is the woman who is most likely to complain that the romance is gone or missing from the relationship. After several years of being together, you might have become so used to each other that you both tend to forget to spice up the relationship with romance.
The secret to a healthy and a happy marriage is to re-vitalize it by constantly thinking of ways to renew your vows and make each other feel how important you are to your partner.
Here are some tips on how you can re-introduce romance into your married life to liven things up:
1. Reminisce about the good times that you had together
Life is too short to spend time dwelling on the bad things. Instead, turn it around and make the best out of the good times that you had together. Re-visit a romantic vacation spot where you celebrated your anniversary. For the husbands, “court” your wife again. Schedule regular dates and spend some time away from work, your house and your children. Having some ‘alone’ time together will surely liven things up a bit and start putting the romance back into your marriage.
2. Be more understanding and tolerant of your partner’s mistakes
It is said that the first few years of marriage are the best times that you have as a couple. As the years pass, you get to be more lax in showing your affection to your partner. You argue about little things and you find the marriage stifling. If you learn to become more understanding and tolerant of the other’s shortcomings, a lot of petty fights will be prevented. Also, learn to be more sensitive to the needs of one another. With a sprinkling of a more positive outlook in your married life, you’re sure to be get back on track and have a wonderful married life.
3. Be honest with your feelings
Generally, there is a misconception that you love your mate for what you think he or she is. In reality, you fell in love because of what you think that person will become for you. You expect your partner to change or be someone that they are actually not .This could lead to a lot of hurt and misunderstanding between a couple. Instead of trying to mold your partner into someone that you want them to be, why not look the other way? Find out what your partner thinks you should improve on. Try to think if this change will bring about a better you. This could lead to a lot more room for improvement in your married life, and allow your partner be happier with the new you.
4. Try to express your love for each other freely and be generous with compliments
Nobody ever turns a good compliment down. As a couple, freely complimenting each other – and doing this often – would help put the romance back into your married life. Also, over the years, you tend to overlook the basic things like thanking our spouse for a favor done, or complimenting her on looking great or saying I love you. If you just go back to basics and not forget these simple courtesies, you will have a more respectful relationship that you both will be contented with.
5. Talk and listen at the same time
A typical household problem is the wife nagging her husband. Try to prevent this by listening to each other and then take the time to let the other talk. Men are not compelled to talk as often as women. Try to balance this by making your husband talk while you listen, because he will likely just listen while you do the talking. Keeping your communications open is another way to improve your relationship.
6. Always be attractive for your partner
One of the most effective and sure fire ways to put romance back into your married life is by improving your appearance. If you have had your hair done in a certain style for years, why not try to change it to look a little different? Having your partner see you in a new light will may put the passion back into your marriage.
All in all, you still need to “work” on keeping your marriage strong and alive. By re-introducing romance into your relationship, you are just might live the rest of your married life to the fullest!
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Five Things Super Happy Couples Do
From Redbookmag.com
Lord knows this is not the sort of thing guys brag about. But I have a ridiculously happy relationship with my significant other. Really, it’s almost disgusting.
We paw each other in public. We goof around like a pair of simpletons. We basically act like giddy newlyweds. Sometimes we’ll do something so revolting, like sitting on the couch and drawing smiley faces on the bottoms of each other’s feet, that we’re forced to make gagging noises to maintain our dignity.
See, I told you it was disgusting.
It hasn’t always been this way. In fact, I’m not ashamed to admit that our current bliss is the result of almost a year of counseling, a desperate effort undertaken several years ago, when we appeared destined for doom. What we learned then is something all happy couples eventually discover: A good relationship is a bit like a pet boa constrictor: either you feed it every day or bad things happen. Daily habits are extremely helpful in forging solid bonds, says couples therapist Tina Tessina, author of “How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free.” “If you’re really interested in making your relationship work, little rituals are a great way to do it.”
We asked happy couples across the United States to tell us about relationship-strengthening solutions they’ve developed. Try your hand at incorporating a few into your daily life and maybe you can be as ridiculously, embarrassingly, revoltingly happy in relationship as I am.
Daily Habit #1: Talk to Each Other
Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults. But who’s got time for that? Actually, anybody who sleeps at night, if you follow the lead of Julie and Thom and their nightly visits to their “igloo.”
“It all started one winter night years ago, when Julie had had a really bad day,” says Thom, 33, a marketing director in Columbus, Ohio. “We were huddled under the covers of our bed, and Julie was describing how all the people who made her day miserable were ‘bad polar bears’ and how she didn’t want any of the bad polar bears coming into the bedroom and how the bed was our refuge from them. You realize how embarrassing it is to admit this, right? Anyway, that’s when we started calling the bed the igloo.”
“The igloo is a place to retreat to,” says Julie, 31. “It’s our little sanctuary; only nice things happen in the igloo.”
Eventually Julie and Thom began holding a powwow in the igloo at the end of every day, making a nightly excursion that Julie says has become a vital part of their five-year relationship.
“It’s funny, because I always thought that when you lived with somebody, you’d automatically know everything that was going on,” she says. “But we find that if we don’t take that time to connect with each other, it’s really easy for life to get in the way. The igloo offers one of the few times in the day where there’s not a whole heck of a lot else going on, so you’re able to focus on each other in a deeper way.”
Daily Habit #2: Flirt
Most couples realize that getting intimate every night isn’t possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans’ physical intimacy habits found that only about a third of adults have physical intimacy more than once a week.
That doesn’t mean, though, that you can’t at least talk sensually every day, and that’s the approach that Ed and Stephanie have taken in the more than six years they’ve been together.
“It’s funny,” says Ed, a 33-year-old San Francisco cab driver, “because we know plenty of couples who fight, a lot, about how often they have physical intimacy. The wife’s upset because all he ever wants to do is get intimate. But this has never really been a problem with us, and I think it has a lot do with the fact that we’re always talking sensually to each other.”
“Absolutely,” says Stephanie, a 32-year-old massage therapist. “We’re always complimenting each other, tossing out fantasies, telling each other we’re appealing. He gets to feel like he can have sensual feelings, and I feel like I don’t have to have physical intimacy all the time to appear attractive.
Let’s put it this way: The way I see it, physical intimacy is like chocolate cake. After five days of eating chocolate cake, even chocolate cake doesn’t taste that great.”
“Right,” Ed says, “but after five days of talking about chocolate cake, that cake tastes really good.”
Daily Habit #3: Get Stupid Together
Bob and Angie are ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That’s right. They lived and died with “Survivor.” They’ve adopted “Big Brother.” “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” They do.
“Honestly, I think we just need to be dumb for a while,” says Bob, 37, a shoe designer for Reebok in Boston. “We’re both very into our careers. And when you’re at work, with any job there’s going to be a certain amount of professional stress. You like to come home sometimes and, for that lousy hour or whatever, kick back and relax.”
Or as Angie, 36, a marketing executive, says, “Life is serious enough, isn’t it? Sometimes you need to do something stupid. And if you can’t be stupid with your husband, who can you be stupid with?”
Daily Habit #4: Declare Your Independence
So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals?
Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your relationship than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.
The point, naturally, is not to make space for each other in that I-can’t-wait-to-get-away-from-you sort of way but to pursue your own hobbies and interests. It’s a distinction that Joe tried hard to make to Lori during their delicate pre-engagement negotiations four years ago.
These days, Lori and Joe are practically poster children for the power of independence. Joe, who works for a nonprofit agency, spends his nights taking painting classes, building youth centers, and recording his guitar sessions. Lori, a college professor, spends hers directing community-theater musicals and indulging in trashy movies on cable television, a passion that Joe (go figure) doesn’t seem to share.
“It all brings a freshness to our relationship because we both continue to grow as people,” Joe says.
Daily Habit #5: Share a Spiritual Moment
In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are “very happy” (compared to 57 percent of those who don’t). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other and discuss their relationship together.
Not to say that prayer is a cure for all that ails you. But whether they’re talking about a simple grace at dinnertime or some soul-searching meditation, couples routinely say that a shared spiritual life helps keep them close. And as Doug and Beth say, even couples who are on different sides of the theological fence can benefit from praying together daily.
“We have been married for seven years, but praying together is something we didn’t start doing until about a year ago,” says Doug, a 32-year-old Salt Lake City biochemist. “In the past, whenever we faced big decisions, we’d have discussion after discussion about them, but we’d never really come to a resolution.”
“I soon found that praying together brings out a real sense of selflessness and humility,” Doug says. “When you’re praying for each other, not yourself, you’re focused together and speaking from the heart on a whole different level. I would never have predicted this for us, but it really works.”
“As bad as any problem may seem at that moment,” agrees Beth, “prayer always helps us see beyond it. It doesn’t have to be a long-drawn-out scripture reading, just a few minutes a day. When we pray, it brings another level of honesty to our conversations. I think it’s the most intimate thing you can do with another person.”
Now they pray together every night, once the “urchins” are in bed, which puts them in the company of the 32 percent of American married couples who say they pray together regularly. It also puts them in the company of Julie and Thom, when the other couple isn’t holed up in their igloo, of course.
“It’s pretty short and not at all scripted,” says Julie about their giving thanks before each meal. “We just join hands and let it rip. Whether we’re asking for forgiveness or giving thanks, saying it out loud holds a lot of power.
“Besides, regardless of religion or spiritual preference, I think that most marriages require a ton of faith,” Julie sums up. “You’ve got to believe that somehow the two of you are going to make it through things. You’ve got to believe that you’re being blessed with this person. And even if the power we feel just comes from the strength of our love, even if we don’t believe that it’s God who is helping us, I still think that it’s good to acknowledge that there’s a force between the two of us that’s helping us out.”
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Reading his body movements
Original Article from Cosmopolitan
What woman doesn’t appreciate a man with a nice body? Beyond admiring his physique, you can also gauge crucial dating information with a simple glance at him.
By picking up on the subtle nonverbal messages he’s sending, you’ll discover tons of clues about his personality and how he really feels about you. Here, you can learn everything from how he handles intimacy to whether he’s lying, and more.
First-Meeting Body Language
He lifts his eyebrows. When a man sees someone he’s into, he’ll automatically lift and lower his eyebrows, wrinkling his forehead in the process. But you’ll have to keep your eyes peeled to catch a glimpse of this telltale signal. Anthropologists call it the eyebrow flash because it’s usually lightning-quick.
He stands with his legs spread apart. A guy will often stand with his legs spread apart and pelvis facing you when he’s attracted to you. It’s a primal, biological instinct, and most guys don’t even know they’re doing it.
He stands or sits with his toes pointed toward each other. This means he’s feeling a little unsure of himself. So if a boy in the club is striking this pose, he’s digging you but needs reassurance that the interest is mutual.
He smiles with his top lip stretched wide and his front teeth are just barely peeking through. This tight-lipped look is a polite signal that while he enjoys your company, the romantic spark may not be there. but that doesn’t mean his feelings can’t develop.
He holds a looong, piercing gaze. Although you may think he’s smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five sedonds doesn’t happen naturally, so he may be using the look solely as a player’s technique to get what he wants.
He tilts his head slightly to the side when your eyes meet. The head tilt is a subconscious come-hither signal that the guy has feelings for you. So if that man you’ve been meeting eyes with for the last hour gives you the head tilt, that’s your cue to go in for the kill and introduce yourself.
He half smiles. There’s a good chance this guy just wants a no-strings fling. “A sneerlike grin is an indication that he’s not being sincere with you,” points out body-language expert Patti Wood. “it’s a split-face gesture: Each side of his face is telling a different story.”
Dating Body Language
He sits on his hands. If a guy is sitting on his mitts, he’s trying to control what’s coming out of the his mouth. But this is more about withholding information. He’s worried that he’s going to do something that will displease you — he wants to put his best foot forward so he’s disciplining himself.
He has a big, broad expression, often with everything showing — teeth, gums… cavities. Consider it the “Wow, you give me butterflies. I’m head over heels’ smile.” If it’s accompanied by a hearty laugh, look out. If he were any more into you, he might drop down on one knee.
He says good-bye with a soft peck. If 9 times out of 10 he plants a soft, tender kiss on your cheek, then your beau is the sensitive type. This is a paternal gesture that shows he wants to take care of you.
He slouches his shoulders. When a man finds a woman’s actions to be adorable or sweet, he gets the urge to hold her. As a result, his shoulders automatically round off as though he’s about to take her into his arms. So does this mean you’ve suddenly lost all your seducing appeal? Not necessarily. The shoulder slump does indicate attraction but, even better, with a serious emotional undercurrent. So in the case of a long-term boyfriend, this shoulder roll is likely a sign that one of your quirks has tugged on his heartstrings. And if a brand-new dude pulls that move, chances are, he’s feeling a true connection to you. So forget all the flirting formalities and be real. This lad’s looking to go deeper.
He strokes his stomach. A midriff massager craves the spotlight and needs steady verbal reminders of what an absolte catch you think he is. However, when it comes to throwing fond feelings your way, this tongue-tied cutie is much more action than words. But if you want him to shower you with the affection he’s capable of, you’ll have to stroke his ego as often as he strokes his tummy.
He extends his palm. When a guy offers his palm to you faceup, you know hands down he’s hooked. He’s literally and figuratively reaching out to the person he’s speaking with in an attempt to connect on a deeper emotional level. Even cooler: Our brains respond to hand gestures with heightened alertness (we have a special region that processes only hand shapes), so you’ll actually feel the love.
On-the-Rocks Body Language
He shifts in his chair or taps his fingers. These nervous ticks may make it seem like he’s just plain nervous, but if they’re done while he’s explaining himself to you, they actually indicate that he could be fibbing.
He toys with his ears or his nose. If youre guy starts toying with his ear or nose (and he doesn’t have allergies), be suspicious. When a guy is being deceptive, it’s common for blood to rush to his face. His nose and ears will get warm and begin to itch, causing him to unconsciously rub or scratch them.
He looks up and to the left. The next time you ask him a sticky question or he wants to explain himself to you, notice which way he looks. If his eyes move up to the right, he’s recalling information from his memory. If he looks up to the left, there’s a good chance that he’s inventing the answer.
He averts his eyes. Because animosity is so hard to conceal, your guy will reduce eye contact. He’s subconsciously aware that one peek into his peepers will reveal his inner grrr. For a clue as to whether he’s miffed at you or someone else, look into his eyes (since he won’t look into yours). If he stares you down the second you catch his gaze, you’re probably the object of his ire.
His jaw is tense. Check out the spot where his jaw meets his cheekbone. If his mouth is rigid and you can see his jaw flexing, it’s a sign he’s fuming.
He covers his mouth with his hand. This guy is probably lying. When he unconsciously obstructs your view of his lips, it’s a sign that he’s trying to block the truth from slipping out. In addition, he might lick his lips and look away from you — directing his eyes down and to the right.
He turns his cheek mid-convo. Occasionally averting his eyes or scanning the room is normal, but if you find yourself talking mostly to his profile, you’re in trouble.
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40 things you can learn about a guy in 10 minutes
The original article is from Cosmopolitan by Stephanie Booth.
You don’t have to date a guy for six months to get the lowdown on who he really is. With the right clues, you can size him up in 10 minutes. “A man’s actions — especially the ones you see in unguarded moments when he’s not going out of his way to try to impress you (or doesn’t realize you’re watching) — can speak volumes about his character and personality traits,” says Rita Benasutti, PhD, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples’ issues. To help you decode a guy you’ve just started seeing, Cosmo called on a team of experts to tell you how to assess his actions and tap into his boyfriend potential, pronto.
His Favorite Sport
“Solo sportsmen, like runners and swimmers, 1 savor their independence and relish spending a lot of time alone,” says relationship-skills coach Steve Nakamoto, author of “Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man.” Men who are fans of mainstream team sports, like football, basketball, and baseball, 2 tend to be competitive — on the field and in all aspects of their life — and they like to hang with their entourage. As for the guy who’s just not into sports at all, 3 “he’s an independent thinker, usually on the sensitive side.”
How Long He’s Been Hanging With His Friends
A guy who has been friends with the same posse since he was 10 years old can certainly claim 4 loyalty as one of his strong suits. But “you better like what you see, because he’s probably not great with change,” says dating coach Liz H. Kelly, author of “Smart Man Hunting.” “And be patient, because it will take a while for you to win his trust.” If your date has buddies from all areas of his life — i.e., college, the gym, work — don’t be afraid to drag him to your cousin’s wedding. 5 “He has no problem schmoozing strangers and adapts to new situations easily.”
Credit vs. Cash
A guy who likes to flash his plastic 6 craves status. “He may be ambitious and confident. He’ll reach his financial goals,” says Rob Ronin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and registered financial consultant. “If he always pays in cash, 7 he’s self-sufficient and independent,” which might make him a difficult dude to corner. And if his wallet is dry? 8 Here’s a guy who’s dependent on others to take care of him.
His Bad Habits
Gambling men 9 are risk-takers, which can make them a lot of fun. “But their over-the-top optimism that they’ll come out ahead makes it difficult for them to face reality,” says Mitchell Parks, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Vanderbilt University, in Nashville. “Hard-core smokers 10 tend to be anxious,” says Dr. Parks, so it can be hard to pin them down for couple-time. And if he’s a boozer, 11 he could be hiding his insecurity behind his buzz.
His Communication Style
When your date opts to email you — rather than call — 12 he could be a hard nut to crack. “The fact that he chooses a communication method that allows him to edit what he says signals that he might not want to show his true self,” says Jeff Bryson, PhD, professor of psychology at San Diego State University. An IM addict 13 craves your nonstop attention and needs that instant assurance that you’re there for him. And the phone fan? 14 He might be a little old-fashioned and likes to do things by the book. But, according to Bryson, “he’s not afraid of intimacy.”
The Clothes You Wear That He Prefers
If your fave T-shirt and jeans or a cute little sundress do more for him than your slinky black number, 15 you’re dating an earthy, laid-back guy who likes equally laid-back, low-maintenance chicks. A man who’s wowed by a woman who likes to get dolled up in high-end designer duds 16 places a high priority on prestige. “He’ll probably make a lot of money, but it also might play too important a role in his life,” says Los Angeles clinical psychologist Nancy Irwin, PsyD. And a guy who wants a Carmen Electra-sensual girl on his arm 17 is looking for an ego boost. “He places a lot of value on being admired and envied.”
How He Deals With Traffic
If he constantly weaves in and out of cars, tailgates slowpokes, and glares at other drivers, 18 “it’s pretty clear that he has a problem with aggression,” says Leon James, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Hawaii and author of “Road Rage and Aggressive Driving.” While a forceful personality might take him far in the workplace, it could be difficult to deal with this argumentative guy in a relationship. If he’s able to exude Zen-like calm when stuck in gridlock, 19 “he’s likely to have more self-control.”
What He Orders in a Restaurant
A meat-and-potatoes-type guy 20 is usually steady and dependable, says image coach Dianne Daniels, author of “Polish and Presence: 31 Days to a New Image.” “But he’s also a little unadventurous.” If your date goes for exotic dishes, 21 “you’re with someone who makes spontaneity a priority and could easily get bored with the status quo.”
Neat Freak or Messy Man
A guy who puts his dirty socks in the hamper is one thing; a guy who color-codes them in his drawer is something else. 22 “This man is way too fastidious to have fun,” explains Daniels, “and he’ll expect you to be just as neat.” A mildly messy man 23 is looser and more open-minded. But if the inside of his shower has never seen a scrub brush, 24 he may be immature or just plain lazy.
Favorite TV Shows
Take note if he parks himself in front of one sitcom after another. 25 “Here’s a guy who uses humor to defuse stress,” says TV producer Hedda Muskat, author of “Dating Confidential: A Single’s Guide to a Fun, Flirtatious and Possibly Meaningful Social Life.” This can be a good thing, because he won’t hold a grudge against you or lose his cool. But it also might be hard to get into a serious conversation with him, which can be frustrating. “The more you try to discuss something important, the more evasive he will become,” says Muskat. A couch sleuth who’s fascinated by CSI-type shows, on the other hand, 26 is analytical and thoughtful. “He prides himself on his problem-solving abilities and will be there for you when you need support,” says Muskat.
His Birth Order
“The oldest child 27 is usually a responsible, take-charge kind of guy,” says Nancy Fagan, author of “Desirable Men.” If your babe is the baby of his brood, 28 “he’s likely to be creative and a little rebellious.” As for a middle man: 29 “He’s a sensitive soul who needs loads of attention.”
How He Approaches PDAs
When you’re out in public and he’s all over you like a rash, 30 “he’s either trying to show you off or marking his territory, both of which are signs of insecurity,” says Nakamoto. A guy who’s allergic to body contact in public is 31 unsure about his feelings for you or your feelings for him. “PDAs are statements of togetherness,” says Nakamoto. “If he has doubts, he’ll keep his distance physically.”
Whether He Always Drives or Wants You To
“A guy who doesn’t automatically assume driving rights 32 is likely to let you steer the relationship at least some of the time,” says Kelly. A man who hogs the wheel — even in your car — 33 is sweetly old-fashioned at best and, at worst, could be a control freak.
The Guy’s Grooming MO
A guy who checks out his reflection in every store window you pass is obviously vain. But, interestingly, 34 it’s also a sign of a dude who’s intent on succeeding. “Presentation is everything to this kind of man,” says Sheenah Hankin, PhD, author of “Complete Confidence.” “He sees it as a measure of his self-respect and success.” 35 The low-key, less conceited guy might be less ambitious, “but he’s easier to connect with emotionally because he’s not as superficial,” says Hankin. “What counts on the inside matters more to him.”
If He Looks You in the Eye
“A man who doesn’t make eye contact during conversation 36 may not be trustworthy,” says speech coach Diane DiResta, author of “Knockout Presentations.” “Meanwhile, if his eyes bore into yours as he’s talking, 37 he might be trying to intimidate you.” But a smoldering gaze — you know what that looks like — 38 means he’s immensely fond of you.
His Speaking Style
If your man moves his mouth a mile a minute, 39 you’re with a spontaneous, high-energy guy who may be a little too self-absorbed. “Fast talkers get so wrapped up in making a good impression that they don’t pay attention to their audience,” says DiResta. Slow talkers 40 typically play it safe. “The way they deliberate every word before it comes out of their mouth is indicative of how they approach life: They look before they leap.” So although you shouldn’t expect a lot of surprises, at least you’ll know he means what he says.
Things You’ll Only Learn With Time
Your speedy profiling skills won’t reveal these tidbits from psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of “Calling in ‘The One’.”
How loyal he’ll be: Wait and see if you’re shown the same allegiance as his buds are.
If he’s a man of his word: Will he really keep those promises he made to you early on?
His little quirks: Time reveals the small details that really make a person tick.
If his parents’ split haunts him: His broken home may have issued him some big-time emotional baggage.
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A Joke on Friendster
Monday January 26th 2009, 10:54 pm
Filed under:
Humor 
from www.saynotocrack.com
The Couple’s Power Struggle (and putting a stop to it)
Is dealing conflicts with your partner seem repetitive and never ending?
I read a book before ” Getting The Love You Want” where the author explained that the conflict we have with our partner usually springs from our childhood wounds. Meaning this may be problems we have when we were little that were left unresolved. We brought this with us in marriage subconsciously hoping our partners can heal.
I found this article that kind of summarizes the same tips given by the author of the book I was telling you about.
Four dating tips to prevent quarrels from becoming a full-blown crisis
The first argument is the most crucial argument you will ever have, setting the stage for all arguments to follow. Future conflicts will often look and sound like they’re different, but most times they are simply variations of the first, unresolved argument. Understanding that the first argument is a tool for healing, rather than just a random conflict, can spare yourself years of grief, hopelessness and helplessness in your relationship.
Dating Tip #1: Get to the Core
Minimizing the chaos, confusion and stress in your relationship, therefore, is accomplished by understanding what you’re really arguing about. The first argument teaches what is important to each individual, by linking back to each other’s underlying core issue. You may be fooled into thinking that you’re arguing about cookies, wastebaskets, fences, etc., but rarely are these “content” issues the “real” issue. The real issue is your core issue from childhood that gets unknowingly triggered by the content issue. All of these elements are present in the first argument, which explains its importance in unraveling the underlying root of the problem.
Without knowing the importance of the first argument, couples struggle to understand their disagreements. They consistently get caught up in the details of the fight, recounting what happened, trying to make their point and then desperately wanting the argument to get resolved so they can be “happy” once again. Unfortunately, however, arguing all the time only creates discouragement, frustration, and emotional damage. Recurring arguments will cloud minds to a point where a couple doesn’t even know what they’re fighting about. The same words are simply said over and over again, bringing only more confusion and unhappiness.
Dating Tip #2: Strive for Clarity
Somehow, we often think that repeating the same things that have never worked will suddenly work, and our partner will miraculously understand! It doesnt make sense, but we do it anyway. The first argument technique is a way to break the old, useless patterns that don’t work in a relationship that keep us from feeling intimate. The first argument is an important moment that can ultimately bring clarity rather than confusion. With clarity, we can solve and deal with anything that occurs in our relationships.
Dating Tip #3: Solve Big Ones Before Small Ones
Understanding the value and importance of the first argument as a tool to self-knowledge can reduce stress. When you start to argue and hear yourself repeating the same sentences that don’t work, going back to your tools of self-awareness will create a framework for resolving conflict. Small issues are connected to bigger issues, and the first argument reveals our bigger, core issues from the past. Once the big issue is revealed, the small issue can then be determined. It’s when the small stuff is triggering the core issues that we can’t resolve anything, and everything we discuss at a certain point seems like a survival issue. The first argument helps weed out what’s big and what’s small. Conflict then feels more manageable and more possible to resolve.
Dating Tip #3: Be “Current”
When conflict is resolved, stress is reduced and you have the ability to be current with each other. Being “current” means you’re in the moment with few unresolved matters clouding the relationship. The more current a relationship is, the healthier it is. Therefore, the first argument should be welcomed, viewing it as the helpful tool that it is. Don’t be blinded into thinking that the same conflict will never happen again, because it will. Allow it in and deal with it immediately. Acknowledge your own hurt, see how it relates back to past hurts and talk about that, rather than what you perceive are your partner’s faults. By doing so, you’ll be quickly rewarded with a peaceful resolution.
The first argument technique is not restricted to couples. Its principles can work with any intimate relationship — parents and children, boss and employees, friends. Any relationship that is important to us — one in which we have a lot at stake in its success — can easily trigger our unresolved issues. If we don’t care about someone, we’re less easily triggered because it doesn’t matter if the relationship works or doesn’t work.
Dating Tip #4: Repair It Now
Remember that when dealt with, the first argument is small. When put aside, it becomes bigger and bigger to the point of being overwhelming and unsolvable. Each time we fight, we hurt each other a little bit more, until we’ve damaged each other and the relationship. Once this has happened, it’s hard to regain the good feelings we once had for each other. A relationship can only handle so much pain and hurt before it begins to break down and fall apart. Therefore, save yourself and the loved ones in your life pain by understanding that the first argument — the most crucial argument you’ll ever have — is a tool for healing that will spare yourself years of grief, hopelessness and helplessness in your relationships.
by Sharon Rivkin
